Bukan Milikku

Sering kali aku berkata, ketika orang memuji milikku, bahwa
sesungguhnya ini hanya titipan,
bahwa mobilku hanya titipan Nya,
bahwa rumahku hanya titipan Nya,
bahwa hartaku hanya titipan Nya,
bahwa putraku hanya titipan Nya,

tetapi, mengapa aku tak pernah bertanya,
mengapa Dia menitipkan padaku?

Untuk apa Dia menitipkan ini pada ku?

Dan kalau bukan milikku,
apa yang harus kulakukan untuk milik Nya ini?

Adakah aku memiliki hak atas sesuatu yang bukan milikku?

Mengapa hatiku justru terasa berat,
ketika titipan itu diminta kembali oleh-Nya ?

Ketika diminta kembali, kusebut itu sebagai musibah,
kusebut itu sebagai ujian, kusebut itu sebagai petaka,
kusebut dengan panggilan apa saja untuk melukiskan bahwa itu adalah

Ketika aku berdoa, kuminta titipan yang cocok dengan hawa nafsuku,
aku ingin lebih banyak harta,
ingin lebih banyak mobil,
lebih banyak rumah,
lebih banyak popularitas,
dan kutolak sakit, kutolak kemiskinan,

Seolah semua “derita” adalah hukuman bagiku.
Seolah keadilan dan kasih Nya harus berjalan seperti matematika :
aku rajin beribadah, maka selayaknyalah derita menjauh dariku, dan
Nikmat dunia kerap menghampiriku.

Kuperlakukan Dia seolah mitra dagang, dan bukan Kekasih.

Kuminta Dia membalas “perlakuan baikku”,
dan menolak keputusanNya yang tak sesuai keinginanku, Gusti,
padahal tiap hari kuucapkan, hidup dan matiku
hanyalah untuk beribadah…

“ketika langit dan bumi bersatu, bencana dan keberuntungan sama saja”

(WS Rendra).


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